feat. Guilty pleasures, linguistic lullaby lessons, calypso bebop, classic house, unapologetically potty mouthed and still festering hip hop and a little light DnB to draw a conclusion.

Plus an instruction filled story which you can dream may yet still come true.

The year is 2086 and the place is St Mary’s Church in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

Upon the posthumous digital defragging of a strange man who lived in a castle, upon his hard drive a long lost will is uncovered. (amongst lots of completely normal vanilla ice albums and absolutely nothing else) 

Upon this discovery his loving friends, illegitimate children and smattering of badly paid professional help celebrate the 100th anniversary of his birth by exhuming his badly decomposed, barely remaining body and cremating it piece by piece in a small home pizza oven.

They then split the ashes into two pots of no particular distinction, merit or uniformity. 

A miraculously unaged Sheryl Crow picks up the the first pot (which happens to be the deepest) and stirs. 

She combines: tastefully bright neon glowing paint, pebbles and lysergic acid diethylamide into the mix and then sets this to one side as the ceremony begins.

For no reason, the second shallower more squatty potty reminded the remainers more of the man from the castle. Therefor they take the receptacle and distribute it onto a seemingly endless array of small silver spoons from his cellar.

The spoons are used to load swirly whirly drinking straw glasses-come-hats with ashes of castle man. 

Then everyone pulls down their trousers and draws a face on their neighbours neither regions. Some faces are silly, others are sad, however many are hard to read due to the badly shrunk, split, wrinkled and saggy mediums onto which they are shakily applied by the aged artists. 

The swirly whirly straw drinky glasses are placed on downstairs faces and inserted by friend into neighbour. 

On the countesses’ count of 12 every woman and manchild blows castle man into their closest bottom. 

Shortly after the blowing of the castle man, Sheryl Crow distributes paint brushes, and minidisk players. 

Unfortunately after the Bluetooth Jack war of the decade known as the two thousand pre twenty teeny tantrum time noone can use the minidisk players. They are once again thrown into Oceana, a forgotten nightclub in Southhampton where music goes to die.

As chance would have it, people realised they were implanted with googly eyes-n-earz prosthetics and had the mix beamed straight into their inners via a wobbly wobbly ear worm wave. To everyone’s great annoyance the naming of all tech was now done by toddlers as they were the only ones capable of inventing anything new in an age where everything was done.  

The assembled, earworms wiggling in begin painting every grey pedbbledashed house in North Wales with a new lick of lysergic love paint.

They do this on the basis of alternating licks for houses,  people, then sheep. 

Luckily Wales still has sheep after became a UNESCO world heritage livestock survival and revival site where the remaining sheep are treated like equals (or better). 

Most of the more prominent sheep had rebelled and claimed independence and lived on a converted pirate radio ship 12 miles out at sea. Inspired by their fungal fodder, and the great moovement of the Hindu cow deities. 

Unfortunately during an unbelievably hot sticky and long summer their grass raids (dressed as wolves in human clothing) were fruitless and they died of survey. All bar Baabaa.   

This occurred around the middle of the century in the post post truth pre lies era. Soon after everyone realised eating flesh was only acceptable in the case of euthanasia to help with the non austerity age which still had no money for doctors.

Then the whole world becomes a brighter place. As they momentarily forget the seas which rise daily round them and continue to kill billions. 

Don’t fly, especially when high, drink milk. 

From,

Nuts 

(or actually oats)

1. Paul Damian – Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Song
2. Young Tiger aka George Browne – Calypso Be-Bop
3. Ella Fitzgerald – When I get Low I get High
4. Creedence Clearwater Revival – Bad Moon Rising
5. Steppenwolf – Magic Carpet Ride
6. The Traveling Wilburys – Last Night
7. Electric Light Orchestra – Mr Blue Sky
8. Ram Jam – Black Betty
9. D12 – Purple Pills
10. Nas and Damian Marley – As We Enter
11. Missy Elliot – Work It
12. Azealia Banks – 212
13. Hardrive – Deep Inside
14. Afro Medusa – Pasilda – Knee Deep Remix
15. Bellaire – Paris City Jazz
16. Workidz – Street Sounds
17. Peggy Gou – It makes you forget
18. fish go deep – the cure and the cause (dennis ferrer mix)
19. laurent garnier – the man with the red face
20. Bronski Beat – Smalltown Boy
21. 808 state – Pacific 707
22. Liquid – sweet harmony
23. Goldie – goldie inner city life (roni size & dj krust remix)
24. Doctor P – Sweet Shop (Friction vs Camo & Krooked Remix)
25. High Rankin – Ravemageddon